Being a guy, I get pitched dozens of different male-centric hygiene products, from soaps to shavers. And what this tells me is, we’re not washing our asses enough.

​

Gentlemen look: You ought not need a cartoon Sasquatch to tell you to wash your ass and balls, just do it. Take a bar of soap, lather it up, reach on down and do your level best to get all up in there.

It’s wild to me that in 2024 we, men, need specific marketing to remind us to do the very basics in personal hygiene. You’d think by the time we’re out of grade school, we’d have figured out that our undercarriages require the same (if not more) attention as behind our ears and pits. But this isn’t always the case. I think back to my days of basic training and overhearing drill sergeants patiently explain through gritted teeth to a trainee how to clip their finger nails, so, maybe not everyone grew up the same way.

But the marketing is ridiculous. Hyper-masculine bars of soap like DUKE CANNON (it sounds like a fucking euphemism for someone’s very mid erection) and corny cartoon big foots pitched to the key 15-35 year old demographic should make any adult, male or female, cringe. I already feel like a failure when I’m reduced to buying Old Spice body wash, with their ridiculous-sounding product names for dishwasher soap. “Tropical Bear Punch” or “Disco Floor Sweepings” or whatever.

​

I get it, it’s hard to market a necessity like soap. It sells itself. You’d still buy it if it was packaged in a plain white cardboard box with black block letters that read “SOAP.” No one needs to smell like “LEATHER AND CAMPFIRE” or “GUN OIL AND METAL SHAVINGS" or "FRAT HOUSE CREAMPIES." And honestly, I can’t fucking tell the difference. This one smells kinda like sandalwood, I guess? Then again, my palette is somewhere between unrefined and “absent like your biological father.”

And that’s probably a good thing. If you went to high school in the late 90s, early 2000s, you’ll recall walking out of gym class (if you didn’t cut to go smoke in the senior parking lot, you fucking rebel) and getting figuratively punched in the face by the cloud of super-sweet-smelling AXE body spray.

For you younger piggies, I’ll paint the scene: Imagine changing out of your gym clothes and walking to your next class but first you get throat chopped by a half dozen of the worst people you know, each smelling like a different brand of shitty chewing gum. Not to mix metaphors here, but you know that gum that has intense flavor for exactly two chews? Then goes dead and has the umami of a drowned sewer rat (RIP Splinter, amiright?)? That’s AXE Body Spray. Right there. Fruit-forward dead rat.

​

So, men, all men, just wash your asses. You’re doing yourself and any loved ones around you, a favor. Buy a bar of soap today, seriously. Not some cartoony bullshit soap with a 1000% upcharge, but real, honest-to-goodness wholesome-ass soap. And use it! Your intimate partner (whether that’s someone else or your own self) will thank you.

​

--

Like what you’re reading? Want to support me in some way? That'd be dope! Check out my product page! Starter Packs are $45! Or book a consultation for a fitness plan, Bug Out plan, Ruck plan, etc. Looking for some gear? You can use promo code PIPEHAWK at the A Better Way 2A store for $5 off your whole order! You can also DONATE a $1 or whatever (buy me a cup of coffee, yo) with $pipehawkconsulting on CashApp! I'm not telling you what to do, I'm not a cop.