I’m going to take you back to a conversation I was having with my partner, Mrs. Pipehawk, earlier this past week:

Her: I saw a sign today that said there was a gun show at [open maw of hell itself, PA] maybe we could check it out? I haven’t been to a gun show in forever.

Me: Lol absolutely not, this close to the election? Jesus Christ, imagine how much Trump paraphernalia we’d have to swim through just to see a firearm.

And that’s just THIS (past) weekend, gun shows in of themselves are horrible times, and I’ll explain why, breaking down the entry, the prices, the people and general experience. And to be clear, there is a (slight) difference between your local gun show, and the much bigger “trade shows” out there (think SHOT Show in Las Vegas). I’m focusing on the hyper-local shitty gun shows put on in your town’s poor excuse of a “civic center” or condemned armory.

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The Entry:

Jesus Christ, just to get in to some local gun shows you have to FIRST! pay to park in an oversized lot manned by the only bridge trolls who somehow flunked out of bridge troll academy. Granted these are usually high school kids volunteering or friends/family of the organizer, but SOMEtimes, it’s legit dipshits co-opted to wear an orange vest and wave a flashlight around.

You’re trying to follow their made up hand and arm signals and they’re acting like they’re guiding in a Pelican from HALO. When you park in a spot they did not designate for you with their mind bullets, they immediately rush your vehicle and start showering your driver’s side window with spittle as they accuse you of being “fucking retarded.” Just how you want to start your Gun Show Saturday™!

Then there’s the line to get in. If you go early (like my father, may he rest in peace in the Great Line Beyond, loved to do. Man loved to queue up), you’ll be subjected to a multi-100 person line of other dipshits with nothing better to do with a Saturday morning than stand in a cold, wet, Fall parking lot two towns over.

With some fondness I remember going to a gun show with my dad when I was in my early 20s and being subjected to everything from military recruitment, fringe right-wing politics concerning “Ay-rabs (it was just after 9/11)” and over-caffeinated, opinionated boomer fudd fucks trying to hock their wares in the parking lot.

What a time it was, really. You could buy some dented and chipped .03-.06 that only took a very specific stripper clip for literally $40.

Why are there so many dipshits lined up before the show even opens? Because of the DEALS. You see, there’s this fucking myth in the gun show world that some little old lady bought a table and has her dead husband’s arms room on display. She has no clue what things cost, but she knows her late, great husband would want the local firearms community to have his old Singer-stamped M1911 for … “oh, I don’t know what it’s worth, just make me an offer.”

This lady doesn’t exist. She’s never existed. In fact, lets talk about the people inside.

The People.

What you’ll find inside, after paying $20 for the very privilege of walking through the door, and subjecting yourself to a pat-down from a bored cop on detail pay, is a sea of fucking rip-off artists.

Everyone with a table (or … for fuckssake, a BOOTH) thinks their merch/wares are top tier. While most tables are private collectors with FFLs, a few will be from local or state-level dealers looking to move merch that isn’t moving in the store, at HIGHER PRICES (more on that below). In the mix you’ll find the following characters:

- Boomer fudd types looking for some obscure gun part to a piece of shit rifle that’s been out of production for the last 45 years.

- A 20-something in oversized clothes, gold chain, backwards hat, trying to sell anyone and everyone his Deagle 5-oh for 10% over what he paid (he’ll never admit it’s too much gun, too expensive to shoot, etc).

- Bored girlfriends

- GWOT vets arguing about George Bush while standing directly in front of the one table you actually want to take a closer look at.

- The taser guy

- Low-key Nazis with suss tattoos barely visible under their also, kinda racist t shirt.

- MAGA Merch guy

- A ton of local, state and probably federal undercover agents trying really hard to get you to buy a shotgun with a barrel cut down to ¼” under legal.

- A guy with questionable garage-made reloads that certainly won’t blow your chamber out.

- A dude with a bunch of handy manuals on display, from reloading, to survival/bush craft and then a section in a milk crate that is nothing but Turner Diaries in various conditions.

Everyone will be shuffling along in a snake pattern around the various tables. It’ll be too loud to hear anything, and you’ll be shouting in everyone’s ear just to negotiate prices.

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The Prices.

Which brings me to my final point, the price of everything at your local gun shows is at least 10% to 25% HIGHER. There’s no aforementioned clueless little old lady selling her dead husband’s shit off cheap. If she exists, she’s a fucking shark. She knows exactly what her departed husband’s NIB S&W Model 41 is worth and will be up-charging you the full gun show shaft of 25% on it.

Most of what you see on gun show tables, especially from established gun stores from around the area, is all the shit they haven’t been able to move in the last year. It’s junk. But that’s not going to stop them from overcharging, and that’s because they have to make a nut on renting the table and space at this clusterfuck of a venue.

For fact: The last gun show I attended, I saw many Glock 22s (the .40 full frame) for sale, in the neighborhood of $600. The average sale price at most local gun stores for this particular pistol was around $450. Even driving over to a LGS AFTER the gun show, I saw similarly priced G22s in the display case for around $450-$500. The gun show “tax” is real.

“But Jim,” you’ll oink, “You can negotiate at the gun show!” Yes, you can, and for hagglers, this is great. But you can also negotiate at the gun store too, and one could argue you’re on better footing there, starting off at their retail price, oppose to the gun show price. Plus you won’t have to shout or wait for the slow wifi to file your 4473.

Something that gun show vendors never consider is, if you’re using cell signal or open wifi network at heavily attended event, the towers/wifi will be maxed out and turn to sludge.

My dad used to say that the best time to go to a gun show was the final hours of the last day, because vendors will be desperate to off load their inventory and make a deal. This may be true, or, more likely, they just pack it all up and take it up the road to the brick and mortar store front to go back into the case and collect dust.

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Conclusion.

Bottomline, avoid gun shows. It’s a silly and expensive waste of your time. If there’s a redeeming quality, it’s the buyer’s ability to handle many different types of firearms in a small amount of time. So if you’re curious how the FNX feels in your hand before plunking down $1300 for one, maybe your local gun show has one you can wrap your piggie hoof around (spoiler, they feel like shit in the hand and I’ll fight anyone who wants to argue with me about this, just buy an HK for chrissakes).

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